What’s A Unicorn In A Relationship? A Sexologist Breaks It Down

Three’s typically a crowd, but what if it’s exactly what your sex life needs? Maybe you watched Challengers and, for the first time, actually entertained the idea of introducing a third party to your relationship. Could it be the secret sauce both you and your partner are craving? If so, you might be interested in finding a unicorn.

No, not that kind of a unicorn.

But a unicorn, in this case, generally refers to a single woman (or occasionally a non-binary folk) who wants to play with or date a male-female couple. Unicorns, of course, are mythical and considered rare — hence the term unicorn.

If you’ve been curious about exploring the idea of adding a third party, like a unicorn, to your sex life, Jess O’Reilly, resident sexologist at Astroglide, wants you to know that it’s way more common than you probably think.

“Many couples are looking for a third party to play with,” she tells Scary Mommy. “The desire may be related to safety; they might consider a single woman less of a threat — a belief that is, of course, rooted in gendered norms of sex and power, which are not particularly realistic. The desire may also be related to sexual orientation. Perhaps the woman in the couple is bisexual, so they’d prefer to play with another woman. The desire, of course, may simply be related to pleasure. They enjoy the idea of playing with a third party.”

If you’re interested in exploring the potential of introducing a unicorn into your bedroom, O’Reilly offers her advice on how to find one and how to make the experience a safe and pleasurable one for all involved.

How to Prepare for a Unicorn

Welcoming a unicorn into your bedroom is a big deal for all parties involved, including the unicorn. O’Reilly says it’s essential to prepare for the experience as a couple, but also to ensure that you’re creating space for the unicorn to be equally prepared.

O’Reilly notes that because porn reinforces the idea of a female-male-female threesome as standard and idealized, bisexuality in men can be looked down upon, while bisexuality in women is supported and even compulsory: “However, her bisexuality may not be celebrated for her own pleasure but framed via the male gaze. This is not always the case, of course, but it’s common enough that it bears mention.”

So, if bringing a unicorn into your sex life is something you’re seriously thinking about, O’Reilly recommends the following conversation starters to help you set boundaries and directly communicate your needs and wants about the experience.

• Whose idea was it? Do you feel any pressure?
• Have you (in)directly pressured your partner?
• Why do you/we want to have a threesome?
• What do you/we hope to get out of the experience?
• What are my/our concerns about the experience?
• Have we talked about jealousy, insecurity, and other potentially challenging emotions we might encounter?
• What would it look like if it goes well?
• What might it look like if something goes awry?
• How will we communicate and respond?
• What do we value in a third party?
• What type of person do we want to connect with?
• Do we want to involve a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, and/or a sex worker?
• Have we considered our couples’ privilege and how we can ensure that all voices are heard and respected?

How to Find a Unicorn

There are a few different avenues to find a unicorn, including hiring a professional or using apps. However, O’Reilly says it’s key to be honest from the onset if you use apps.

“Don’t bait and switch,” she explains. “Some couples will create a profile for the woman and hope they can slide their partner into the mix. Use apps like Feeld and SDC that allow you to create a profile as a couple.”

In terms of how a couple should vet a unicorn entering their relationship, O’Reilly says you likely will want to play with/date someone who shares similar values and respects the arrangement you seek.

For example, if you’re looking for something casual, you’ll want someone seeking the same. If you want to play together (as a couple), you obviously want someone who respects those boundaries; just as importantly, you want to respect theirs. O’Reilly suggests you focus on supporting a third party and advises being aware of some of the common complaints from unicorns so you can do better.

Common complaints include:

• The couple arrives with a laundry list of wants and demands but no offers.
• They focus solely on one person’s pleasure with no regard for the unicorn.
• They feel used like a prop (physically) or treated like a sex object (e.g., no affection or conversation).
• They only check in with one another — not with the unicorn.
• They’re hunted aggressively as though they’re a prize and not a human being.
• They’re excluded from social interactions (unicorn hoarding); the couple doesn’t seem to want anyone else to meet their third party, as though they’re hoarding them for themselves.

Making Sure It’s a Fit

If you like the idea of threesomes with a couple who already has a connection and an existing dynamic, O’Reilly says you’re likely a good fit. You may also be a good fit if you know what you want and feel confident expressing your needs, and you enjoy playing with both men and women.

When having a unicorn enter your relationship and/or sex life, O’Reilly says you can plan ahead in terms of boundaries and how you might want things to go, but you also need to be aware that feelings and plans may change.

The Benefits of Bringing a Unicorn Into the Bedroom

According to O’Reilly, the benefits of having a unicorn can be numerous, including having new and exciting sexual explorations, the care, connection, and intimacy of another party, and new conversations about vulnerable feelings (i.e., jealousy) and experiences.

O’Reilly says another benefit is the experience of a new relationship — “whether you frame it as sexual or otherwise, as all human interactions are relational, including casual sex. She notes, “This is also a responsibility, as you’re interacting with another human being and need to be considerate of their needs and feelings.”

There are also risks involved, the most obvious being that you may not know how you’ll react to having a third party in your relationship until you do it, and your expectations may not align with the outcome.

However, O’Reilly notes one study of 196 undergraduates (be aware of the sample bias, as they’re younger and their relationships are mostly newer) found that 48% of those who had a threesome reported no effect on the relationship, 17% felt closer, and 21% reported a negative outcome. “Of course, unicorns may not only be involved in threesomes, but I still think the data is relevant,” she says.

This article was originally published on scarymommy.com.