What To Do When Your Kid Says “Nobody Loves Me”

Nobody wants to see their kid upset. The big frowny face. The teary puppy dog eyes! Stop it, now! And what can be worse than hearing the phrase: “Nobody loves me.”

Your first reaction to hearing such a thing might be to launch into reassuring your child, but one mom says that may not be the best solution.

Mandy Grass, who goes by @thefamilybehaviorist on Instagram, is a mom of 3, as well as a parenting coach and behavior analyst. Grass shared to her account how she handled her own daughter expressing that she felt nobody loved her and had some advice for her followers on how to deal with it.

When her 5-year-old daughter first started saying, “Nobody loves me,” Grass would respond by reassuring her that of course she is loved. But, she soon realized she was only reinforcing that behavior.

“I have three daughters, so it is very important to me that I do not teach them to be self-deprecating in order to get attention,” Grass explained. “And so what I realized I was doing was I was teaching my daughter to speak negatively about herself to elicit my attention.”

Grass explained that instead, she would create space for her daughter to share what was really bothering her, before jumping straight to reassurance.

“I would say, ‘It’s clear you’re having some big feelings. When you’re ready to talk, you can tell me I’m ready,’” she said.

After a few weeks, her daughter shared with her that she was jealous that Grass had had a dance party with her other kids while she had been in the shower. Honestly, relatable.

“This progressed so nicely that it got to the point this summer where my middle could say to me, ‘I feel like you’re not paying attention to me,’” Grass said. “Now, listen, we also have to work on, there’s three of you and one of me, all of that good stuff, but I will take her naming her feeling and coming up to me and telling me directly what she needs over —” Grass mimed exaggerated pouting.

“I don’t want to reinforce that pouting,” she continued. “I want her to name her feelings. In this case, I want to give her the ability to come to me and let me know how she’s feeling, and I can adjust accordingly.”

Grass’ suggestion seems to be pretty popular, racking up over 33,000 likes since she posted it last month. In the comments, some users expressed their support.

“Love this, reinforces that our job is not to simply make them feel better but to teach them to decipher and effectively express their feelings ❤️❤️❤️” one uses said.

“This MATCHES spot on to what I am dealing with right now – I also have 3 girls and my middle is constantly negative self talk so I can’t wait to implement this and help her better learn how to identify and communicate her feelings,” another said.

Some users shared how seeking validation from negative self-talk impacted them as they grew up, and applauded Grass for teaching her kids young.

“My daughter doesn’t pout, I did. As a grown up, mind you,” one user shared. “Took me some therapy in my twenties to grow up emotionally. I still know adult women who pout for attention (or please). It’s the way we were brought up. I love that you are learning your daughters other ways!!”

It can be so hard not to jump right to comforting your sad kid. But next time, maybe give Grass’s technique a try — you might prevent negative habits from forming in the long term.

This article was originally published on scarymommy.com.