What is matrescence—and how can mothers embrace it?

The journey into motherhood is an experience that nothing or no one can truly prepare you for. The transition from woman to mother is a birth within itself—the birth of a maternal being. A nurturer. A matriarch. The shift is a complete uprooting, which brings us to the term matrescence. But what is matrescence? 

Let’s start here. 

Related: Science confirms you are a different person after giving birth 

What is matrescence?

Initially coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in 1973, the term has since been revitalized by Aurélie Athan, Ph.D. who views matrescence similarly to adolescence; a developmental milestone in a person’s life.

“The process of becoming a mother is a developmental passage where a woman transitions through pre-conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy or adoption, to the postnatal period and beyond.” 

In short, matrescence is the profound developmental transition from woman to mother—and it impacts her in every aspect of her life; physically, emotionally, spiritually, politically and socially.

I had the opportunity of speaking with motherhood therapist Chelsea Robinson, MSW, LCSW, more about the term and why it’s substantial to motherhood. 

“Every woman that becomes a mother—no matter her journey of getting there—experiences matrescence,” Robinson explained. “It is unique every time you become a mother, meaning it recurs with each child and lasts a lifetime. It is different from postpartum mood disorders, yet experiencing matrescence can feel destabilizing as your identity shifts from one version of yourself to someone new all together.”

And while true, in my own experience I found that no one really created dialogue around the grief that takes place during the transition into motherhood—and even beyond. 

The loneliness. The loss of self. The sorrow—and then the guilt that tells you you shouldn’t feel any sadness. The redefined purpose. The process of forming those “maternal instincts” that guide you in caring for another being. 

Related: This is what it’s like to be a new mom 

These kinds of emotions and very real experiences are often not woven into the narrative of motherhood. But they undoubtedly exist. When you become a mother, everything changes. And if we’re unaware of why those changes occur—or the fact that every mother experiences them—we’ll continue feeling foreign and astray in our motherhood experiences. 

“Simply knowing that there is a word to describe this time of transition in your life can feel empowering on its own, let alone also acknowledging that you are not alone in this experience,” Robinson said.

“By understanding the concept of matrescence, a woman can have much deeper understanding and compassion for herself throughout her motherhood journey. If she knows that so much of what she’s experiencing is ‘to be expected’ then maybe she won’t feel as lost, alone or confused when she’s struggling.”

5 ways to embrace matrescence

1. Expect challenges

As with any major transition in life, the journey into motherhood will have its own challenges—some shared universally between mothers, and others unique to each individual.

“Some of the challenges associated with matrescence include a sense of loss around who you were pre-motherhood, confusion around your career goals, changes in priorities and a shift in your values that require new boundaries with people in your life,” Robinson stated. 

“Other challenges include an experience of feeling lost and unsure of your identity since becoming a mother and feeling less confident in yourself as a mother than you previously did as a woman without a child. I can add so much more because it is quite literally everything!”

2. Acknowledge the changes—and flow with them

Motherhood is all about the ebbs and flows. “If you are looking to intentionally embrace your matrescence, giving yourself space to acknowledge how much has changed and is changing about yourself is so important,” Robinson stated.

“You can do this by writing out a list of what used to bring you joy and confidence in your pre-motherhood life, what used to give you meaning and purpose—and then begin to assess which aspects you want to reintroduce into your current life. When you do this, keep in mind that what used to fill your cup, might no longer.” 

And that’s completely OK.

3. Write a letter to your pre-motherhood self

“Write a letter that acknowledges all the ways in which you have changed (and are still changing) and any grief or loss that comes up for you,” Robinson advised. “You can also spend time reflecting on all the things you are doing really well since becoming a mother, as moms often report feeling less confident in themselves and burned out from trying to do it all.” 

4. Be graceful with yourself

 You are becoming a version of yourself that you have never been before. It is impossible to know it all. It is impossible to get it all right on the first try—or even the second or third. And that’s OK. 

“With the practice of self compassion, more realistic expectations of herself and honest conversations with other mothers about their journey into motherhood, a mother’s matrescence has the power to elevate her self confidence as she continues to evolve as ‘mother’—and in her other identities too,” Robinson said.

5. Have honest conversations with other moms

This has admittedly been one of the hardest steps for me. It’s so easy to paint motherhood in pretty colors and then isolate ourselves in dealing with the more unpleasant emotions. We are encouraged to uphold a “strong force” as mothers, but are rarely reminded that it’s OK to feel weak, uncertain or any form of grief in becoming a mama.

But there is strength found in vulnerability—and in knowing that as often as it may feel so, we are actually not alone.  

“It is so important that mothers talk about their experience of becoming a mother in real and honest conversations with one another. The more vulnerable we can be with each other, the less alone we will feel knowing that our experience is not just ours, but other women have shared something similar in their own journey,” Robinson said.

“Additionally, motherhood is filled with comparison and judgment at times, yet knowing that all mothers experience matrescence normalizes and affirms that each mother is on her own journey—we just might not know all the details.” 

Related: This mama perfectly explains how time changes when you become a mother 

Shifting from being your main priority to now putting the every need and want of someone else above your own is not easy. There is no guideline for how long it may take to come out on the other side, to emerge with assurance in your new identity as a mother. But trust the process—and know that it is not a loss of self, but rather an evolvement into a new version of self.

I now envision my old self, the woman that I once was, mothering me. In many ways, she prepared me for motherhood without me even realizing. I find comfort in that. There’s beauty in shedding an old version of one’s self as a new version takes form.

Matrescence is a hormonal, spiritual, mental, physical and emotional shift—a complete uprooting. But then a sowing. A replanting. A new beginning.

Original Article Source | Author