When it comes to parenting styles, it seems like “gentle parenting” has been all the rage for the last few years. And while most parents of younger children likely intend to parent “gently,” it’s not always easy. And many have argued that “gentle parenting” isn’t the best parenting style for everyone—especially moms.
Instead of focusing on the consequences of behavior that may need guided and/or corrected, gentle parenting focuses on the motivation for our children’s behavior. Instead of punishment and discipline, gentle parenting favors using emotional intelligence to validate our kids’ feelings. And while this parenting style is, of course, well-intentioned—the lasting impact of practicing solely gentle parenting philosophies can be not so gentle on parents.
Enter: “Connected parenting.” This term was coined and founded by writer and Child and Family Therapist, Jennifer Kolari. It focuses on empathizing and connecting with the child, building a relationship that will allow a parent’s natural instincts to be the guide in parenting choices. So you’re still using all the same techniques as gentle parenting without being used as a doormat, basically. It’s neither authoritative nor permissive.
TikTok mom Nicki Marie posted a video to her TikTok account about “connected parenting,” pointing out that she relatest to that term a lot more than “gentle parenting.”
@nickiunplugged Imagine being raised by a mom who owns her sh*t and doesn’t try to control you, supports you fully and works her ass off to grow daily, as a woman?
#gentleparenting#connectedparenting#motherhoodunplugged
“I just saw this term called ‘connected parenting,’ and I don’t like the term ‘gentle parenting’ because nothing about me is gentle,” Nicki explains. “Field hockey all American here. I didn’t do that by being f*****g gentle.”
She says that she likes the “connected” idea, because it’s about working with our kids to create boundaries, understand that respect is a two-way street, and help them build resilience in a healthy way.
“Anyway, connected parenting, that tells me more about myself than any other term I’ve ever heard,” she says.
“It’s like, ‘Hey, you want to be a b***h to me? I’m going to stop you right there because you’re not allowed to do that.’ But then also I understand I’m not, I’m not allowed to just be a b***h to you either, even though I’m the mom. That ain’t fair. That’s not life.”
Nicki says that when she and her daughter need to tap into that connection, she reminds her daughter that this is, in fact, her “first rodeo” and that she’s still learning how to parent as she goes.
Nicki goes on to say that she’s open and honest with her daughter about their mother-daughter relationship, admitting that she doesn’t have it all figured out.
“This is harder than I thought, and then she’ll laugh. She understands. Okay, connected,” she says.
Being empathetic doesn’t come as naturally to us as we think it does, according to ConnectedParenting.com.
“Being empathic and listening well are very difficult skills, requiring practice, patience, thoughtfulness, and a non-defensive stance, the site says. “This is extremely difficult to maintain when you are hurt or angry. In addition, empathy, in and of itself, isn’t enough. We also need to know what to do next.”
By practicing “connected parenting,” we’re soothing and validating our kids while also keeping ourselves and our own feelings and struggles in mind. We’re guiding their behavior to help them cope and serve them well in the long run. When we can share our emotions and struggles and make a plan for how to handle things together, well, our bond can only get stronger, right? That’s the idea.