The Toxic Girlfriend Stereotype Is Hurting Latinas. We Deserve to Heal.

Maria was 20 when her long-distance boyfriend chalked up her communication style as toxic, controlling behavior. At first, calls and texts helped them overcome the gaps created by the distance and time difference; she lived in California and he lived in Florida. 

But a year into the relationship, he left many of Maria’s messages and calls unanswered, complaining that she texted him too much. Meanwhile, if she didn’t respond to his calls or texts immediately, he would call her nonstop, even going as far as texting her mother to check on her. Maria called off the relationship soon after.

“I was told I was being tóxica or controlling when all I wanted to know was that they were alive and well so I wasn’t worried about their safety,” Maria tells Refinery29 Somos. “It’s harmful to perpetuate the stereotype of calling Latinas ‘toxicas’ because it’s predisposing ourselves to being treated as if our feelings are an exaggeration, and that our points of view are not valid. It can also perpetuate excusing and tolerating abusive behavior from a partner, making it seem normal just because of the tóxica label.”

In the past, Maria has been called a tóxica by an ex-boyfriend, a former friend, and even her dad. Sure, she says her dad was only teasing her, but that word can cut like a knife when it comes from people you care about. While songs, TV shows, and social media might suggest otherwise, leaning into the decades-old stereotyping of Latinas as toxic and jealous, even as a joke, does more harm than good. 

“The ‘toxic’ label enforces harmful, one-dimensional stereotypes that strip Latinas of their individuality, reducing them to caricatures centered on jealousy and/or controlling behaviors. This stereotype ignores the complexities of Latina identities, adds pressure to conform to unrealistic standards, and dismisses any valid concerns they might raise,” Luis Cornejo, a licensed marriage and family therapist who uses they/them pronouns, says. “This can prevent Latinas from feeling safe to express their feelings or address real issues within relationships without fear of being labeled as ‘tóxica.’”

In pop culture and social media, Latinas are often depicted as controlling, possessive, obsessive, manipulative, easily angered, and distrustful, primarily in romantic relationships but sometimes in friendships or family relationships as well. They are characterized as girlfriends who feel insecure about their partners spending time around other women, who want to know every detail about their partners’ whereabouts, or who go through their partners’ cellphones whether or not they have their consent to. There are currently more than 3 million posts on TikTok under #toxica, with videos from men and women making memes about this stereotype. So where did this trope come from?

We can look to Hollywood for one of the earliest examples of how the toxic Latina trope was popularized. Mexican actress Lupe Vélez paved the way for Mexican representation in the industry in the 1920s and 1930s. She was known both on- and off-screen for playing the role of the feisty Latina among an otherwise all-non-Latine and white cast, characterized as a “firecracker” who was easily angered and excitable. She also engaged in affairs both on- and off-screen, tangling together the fetishization and exoticization of Latinas while cementing the vision of the stereotypical Latina for the average white American viewer.

Almost a century later, as Latinas continue to remain underrepresented in Hollywood, we still see glimmers of these tropes played out. As children, we might have seen it in María la del Barrio’s fictional character Soraya Montenegro, the quintessential Latina villain who is jealous, violent, and emotionally unstable. In English-language entertainment, we also see it in Alexa Demie’s role in “Euphoria” as Maddy Perez, a confrontational teen who will physically harm people who have either hurt her or her friends; Sofía Vergara’s 11-season stint in “Modern Family” as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, the feisty wife and mother whose protectiveness often borderlines jealousy; and Salma Hayek’s brief role in “Ugly Betty” as Sofia Reyes, an editor who used her power and sex appeal to manipulate one of the other main characters on the show. While these actors play bold and empowered women, they share similar character flaws that are usually used for comedic effect and are implicitly attributed to their characters’ Latina identities and backgrounds. 

Today, this trope continues to be pervasive on social media by way of music and memes. For the past three years, social media has contributed to the virality of Dominican rappers Ingrid Laien and Los Del Fino who have released three iterations of the song “Dejame Revisarte El Celular.” TikTokers have uploaded countless videos lip syncing and acting out the lyrics describing the songs’ female protagonist as a tóxica who wants to constantly check her boyfriend’s cellphone, wants him to block other women on social media, and wants her boyfriend to ask her for permission to go out. Even as Laien raps about valid reasons she feels suspicious or jealous, her counterpart dismisses her saying, “Tú eres demasiada tóxica, siempre busca un motivo pa’ peliar.” 

Whether it’s Farruko’s 2020 reggaeton hit “La Tóxica,” Mariah Angeliq’s 2022 pop song “La Tóxica,” Alejandro Fernández and Anitta’s 2024 regional mexican song “La Tóxica,” – which, to be clear, are all different songs with different lyrics –  it’s clear there’s profit in perpetuating the tóxica stereotype, even if it’s at the expense of Latina women. Yet the use of comedy or the seemingly fleeting nature of social media videos doesn’t diminish the impact of what we’re witnessing in these tropes.

“While it may seem playful, it can blur the lines between healthy and unhealthy dynamics, normalizing possessiveness or jealousy in ways that aren’t healthy,” Cornejo says. “It’s essential to avoid romanticizing behaviors that could hinder growth and trust in a relationship.”

Magge, a Latina based in Houston, Texas, says that she has dated several women who are self-proclaimed tóxicas. As a queer Salvadoran woman, she says she has personally seen how women within her community can romanticize the possessive behavior that’s often attributed to tóxicas.

“I think it’s because at home, we’re used to seeing the values of the patriarchy and monogamy, this idea that ‘this is my woman,’” Magge says. “Sometimes we carry the standards of those heteronormative boundaries, or even heteronormative traits, into queer relationships as well.”

The toxic Latina trope fails to acknowledge the patriarchal power structures that Latinas exist in, which dictate that calladita te ves más bonita and force them to be strong and withstand everything that’s thrown at them. This could lead to trauma, unhealed wounds, and emotional dysregulation, and while this might help explain some “toxic” behaviors, it doesn’t justify it. Examples such as the Latina TikTok user who recently documented deporting her cheating ex-boyfriend only lean into this tóxica stereotype. As writer Nicole Froio notes, “Stereotypes like these harm Latinas by turning us into unhinged and irrational women in the popular imagination of white U.S. society.”

In Cornejo’s professional practice as a therapist, they have seen how this stereotype allows people to sweep issues under the rug and just write it off as, “well, that’s just how Latina women are.” It’s used as a maladaptive coping strategy that functions in a way like avoidance to minimize the discomfort required for growth and change. 

“It becomes a convenient way to dismiss real issues, leading people to accept harmful dynamics instead of addressing them,” Cornejo says. “It can prevent meaningful conversations about what is really going on, brushing off growth opportunities and contributing to repeated patterns that may be difficult to break.”

Ultimately, Latinas deserve strong, healthy relationships built on trust, compassion, clear communication, empathy, and self-respect. Our emotions are valid and shouldn’t be dismissed as a flaw that’s inherent to our culture. 

“Our Latine communities are beautiful, diverse, and sources of strength, but we are told that strength means not allowing anything to affect or impact us. The truth is that while this may work in some ways, in the long run it leads to mental health and emotional challenges that can take a toll on us,” Cornejo explains. “Being vulnerable, seeking support, and communicating about difficult experiences is also a form of strength.”

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This article was originally published on refinery29.com.