For some, the fantasy started with the image of a silk gray tie. Although the prose in Fifty Shades of Grey left much to be desired (and little to the imagination), it helped normalize bondage. Of course, others were into restraints long before E. L. James but the novel certainly played a big role in bringing the B in BDSM into the mainstream.
The kink can be a lot of fun — but communication is critical, says Myisha Battle, certified sex and dating coach. She tells Refinery29 that bondage play should involve “quite a bit of planning and talking through what’s okay and what’s not within the scene that is played out.”
Patti Britton, PhD, MPH and clinical sexologist, suggests going as far as taking classes or hiring a teacher. “My biggest message is: Get educated,” says Dr. Britton. “It’s important to know what is appropriate, what is safe, and to work 150% based on high levels of detailed communication, consent and negotiation. This is why the world of BDSM is such a model for the vanilla world or the non kinky people because there’s such thorough communication that takes place before anything is done.” Because of the vulnerability and high levels of communication involved in bondage, Dr. Britton says this kink can bring partners closer together, enhancing feelings of intimacy.
While you wouldn’t be alone in thinking that bondage is just about restraint, it’s actually much more sophisticated than that, says Dr. Britton. “These are erotic power plays,” says Dr. Britton. “This is about really turning over your power to someone else, and yet maintaining your power at the same time.”
In addition to talking through the details with your partner, Battle also suggests asking yourself: What type of experience do I want to create? “The answer to this question will guide you toward the type of equipment you’ll need, and provide you with words to communicate what you want to your partner,” she says. “For instance, do you want it to be playful, rough, or sensual? Do you want to be fully or partially restrained? Which body parts do you want to include?” Other factors to consider: Do you want to be tied up, or do you want to be the one doing the tying? What types of bondage materials do you want to use?
Whether you’re the dominant or the submissive, we’re here to show you the ropes (sorry, couldn’t help it). These Battle-approved positions and tips tell you everything you need to know to get started.
This story was originally published in August 2020 and has been updated.
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Gear: Handcuffs — which may sound simple enough, but the array of product on the market can be mind boggling. Let me walk you through just a few options:
There are, of course, the classic silky satin ties and soft restraints for fans of Fifty Shades. For DIYers of another ilk, there’s all sorts of non-chafing rope that can be used to bind wrists together or to bedposts — or pretty much anywhere else you can imagine. If you’re not much of a rigger, then PVC bondage tape or stretchy silicone quickie cuffs may be your new best friend.
Don’t discount a good old fashioned pair of handcuffs to get the job done either (just don’t lose the key). If you want a set with a bit more za za zoo — and furry cuffs feel a little passé — maybe tickling feather wrist cuffs have more appeal. Find a pair that’s dainty enough to double as jewelry, you can also wear the cuffs out in public on date night as a teaser of what’s to come.
How to: As with all forms of BDSM, communication is paramount. It’s important to discuss roles, expectations, boundaries, and safety beforehand. Who is being restrained? Which positions do you want to try? How much freedom of movement does the restrained person need to feel comfortable? Are there any scenes you want to explore? Pick a safe word and be sure to keep keys or scissors on hand in case someone needs to be unbound quickly.
Depending on what you decide, you can secure your partner’s hands behind their back, above their head or to separate bedposts. There are also wrist to neck and wrist to thigh cuff options available if you want to be further restricted without being tied down.
“If someone is allowing their partner — with consent and negotiation — to bind their wrists or have fluffy handcuffs on, that’s going to enhance excitement,” said Dr. Britton. “Something is suppressed so therefore that the energy is going to go another direction.”
Gear: Comfortable restraints that fit under your mattress or can slip around bed posts. Of course you can use a simple set of satin ties or ropes, there are also restraint kits that eliminate the need for complicated knots. Most under the mattress styles are made with leg restraints but there’s no rule that says you need to use all four cuffs.
How to: Have your partner lie on their back, and tether their hands to the bed. With limited mobility, and without a free hand to reciprocate, allow their pleasure to become the focus of the session. Let them watch as you go down on them, grind up against them, or maybe even incorporate a toy. If you’re feeling shy about having their eyes on you, consider a sexy blindfold or hood (if you’re feeling extra adventurous) which will have the added benefit of enhancing their other senses.
“When you take away one of our senses, the other senses are heightened,” said Dr. Britton. “If somebody has a scarf tied around their eyes, maybe their skin is going to be more electrified, or maybe their hearing will be enhanced.”
If you opt for ropes or satin ties, remember to keep a pair of safety scissors handy in case the restraints become too restrictive or need to be removed quickly.
Gear: Comfortable restraints that fit around your mattress or bed posts. If you want to explore the position while standing, there are also restraints that work with your door frame — no power tools necessary.
How to: Have your partner start spread eagle on the bed — they can lie on their back or on their stomach — and tie their extremities to its four corners. A tip: having your partner tied face down makes it easier to engage in butt play.
If you’re using a door restraint system, you’ll have your partner stand with feet shoulder width apart and with their arms raised to secure them in place.
Gear: Restraints, ropes, tape or ties. If you have a set of four cuffs then all you need are some tethers to clip them together. Comfortable ties, rope or skin-friendly PVC tape will allow you the most freedom to adjust positions for comfort but if you enjoy the ease of restraints there are other models on the market that allow the wearer to keep their knees bent while still heavily restrained. There are also plenty of thigh to wrist options that will provide more freedom of movement if the legs up position sounds daunting. Hogtie restraints can also be used in front, instead of behind the back. Chest to thigh restraints are another option to get your partner into the same position while giving them freedom to move their hands and arms.
How to: Have your partner lie on their back and lift their arms and legs into the air, then bind their ankles to their wrists. (To help you picture it: if they were working out, it should look like they are at the top of a straight-legged jack knife ab move.) Once they’re restrained with all four limbs in the air, you can tease them, experiment with oral, use a toy on them — and more.
Gear: The same gear that worked with one partner on their back will also work with them standing. Fasten their wrist to the ankles using any type of restraint: tethered cuffs, satin sashes, rope, tape. For this position, a spreader bar with cuffs is also a great option.
While it’s important to discuss all elements of a scene beforehand, this position is particularly great for spanking and sensory play. If that’s something you and your partner are interested in, consider stocking up on a paddle (there are double sided faux fur options on the market that will have less sting), flogger, crop, tickler or whip — or an implement that does double duty.
How to: From the standing position, have your partner bend over, then tie their wrists to their ankles. Talk about a head rush. The unbound partner is going to have to take particular care during play not to cause their sub to stumble or topple over. This position is a particularly vulnerable one to be in and so it’s extremely important to be attentive to the needs and wishes of the bound partner. Have your safe words ready before engaging and don’t lose track of your keys or safety scissors.
Gear: As in the previous slide, you can use restraints, ropes, or ties. Alternatively, you can also use a spreader bar, a sexy BDSM contraption that will keep the ankles apart and legs spread. Find one that incorporates cuffs for the wrists as well.
How to: Have your partner start on their hands and knees like they’re the receiver in doggy style. Next, have them reach their arms toward their ankles, shifting their weight onto their head, neck and shoulders. Bind their wrists to their ankles. In this position, they can choose to have their hands tied to the inside of their ankles (between their legs) or outside, depending on what’s more comfortable.
Once your partner is securely in position, come at them from behind with your fingers or a vibrator. You can also grind into them or even penetrate — depending on what’s been discussed beforehand. The leapfrog is a highly restrictive position, and very vulnerable with the bound person’s posterior left exposed in the air. That makes it great for spanking or assplay but also entirely necessary to discuss boundaries before being, erm, bound.
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