Every two years, the CDC’s Youth Risk and Behavior Survey provides a glimpse into the ongoing teen mental health crisis, and the 2024 results may have left parents shaken. According to the survey, 40 percent of high school students said they’ve experienced sadness and hopelessness so severe, it prevented them from doing their usual activities. It also noted that 29 percent of high schoolers said they experienced poor mental health over a 30-day period, and that an alarming 20 percent of high schoolers seriously considered suicide over the last year. While the survey showed some improvement since 2021, teen mental health has overall declined since 2013.
Those trends coincide with a “loneliness epidemic,” as coined by the Surgeon General, that’s affecting teens as much as adults. One study found that teen loneliness increased worldwide between 2012 and 2018, which, notably, was before the pandemic closed schools and shuttered extracurriculars. A 2021 study found that loneliness levels in young adults have been increasing every year since 1976.
That’s concerning, because “loneliness is a symptom” of mental health issues, says Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall, associate clinical director of the Kids Mental Health Foundation and a member of the SheKnows Parenting Advisory Council. Loneliness isn’t a mental health disorder in and of itself, but “if you continue to stay lonely for a long period of time, that often will put you at significant risk for things such as depression,” Dr. Raglin Bignall tells SheKnows. Loneliness has also been linked to anxiety and increased social isolation and, among older adults, physical health issues like dementia, stroke, and heart disease.
For teen boys, the problem can be especially fraught. “Teen boys face stigma and societal expectations when it comes to emotional vulnerability,” Dr. Laura Erickson-Schroth, chief medical officer at The Jed Foundation (JED), a teen emotional health and suicide prevention nonprofit, tells SheKnows. “They’re discouraged from reaching out to form closer connections or seeking help when they need it.”
“They hear mixed messages from their peer groups, from society’s expectations,” says Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski, a researcher and educator specializing in the social-emotional development and well-being of boys and men. “It’s like, ‘Boys should open up and be more emotionally expressive, but no girlfriend wants to be your mother and take care of your needs in that type of way.’ And that is a lot of nuance and complexity to unpack for adults, let alone for teenagers.”
The confusion and stigma can isolate them even more.
“With boys, it’s different than with girls,” says Carson, 16, who has spoken to SheKnows about teen mental health previously. “It’s harder because of this standard of being a man. It’s hard to open up.” Teen boys get backed into a corner, where opening up about their mental health struggles feels impossible, but holding it in only makes them feel more alone.
In a survey of 22 boys on the SheKnows Teen Council, 40 percent said they often or sometimes felt lonely. The stigma around men and mental health is one reason why. “Boys can often have a harder time building close friendships because they’re taught to link emotional connection with femininity,” Dr. Erickson-Schroth says. While that might not apply to all boys and men — and may be changing in younger generations — the lingering stigma remains powerful.
Dr. Kwiatkowski, who has spoken to 170 teen boys over the course of his research, says they’re aware of the shifting attitudes around mental health, but that doesn’t always make them feel safe enough to talk about their own. “Some of the boys said, ‘Yep, I hear positive messages [about mental health], but I still see twice as many negative messages, and at the end of the day, people still want the big, burly guy who’s the shoulder to cry on, not crying on someone else’s shoulder.’”
Dr. Raglin Bignall has found that young people also have fewer opportunities to connect with their peers — and fewer skills to do so. The pandemic played a role, but technology is a factor too. “I don’t like making [technology] a scapegoat,” she says. “But, for instance, when you’re playing a video game with someone, you guys are having a great time, but you might not be doing the level of socializing that you need in order to have a deep connection.” You might be interacting with a friend, but not connecting “at the depth that we all need.”
It happens in person, too. “Loneliness is what you feel inside, what you perceive,” Dr. Raglin Bignall continues. “Sometimes you can be surrounded by people, but if you are not comfortable in sharing or are guarded for other reasons, you may isolate.”
Even when teens do spend time with others, the quality of those relationships — specifically when it comes to trust — can be an issue. Dr. Raglin Bignall has noticed a “hesitation” from teens around their peers being fake. “If I tell them something, they’re gonna go behind my back and tell this person,” is a common theme, she says. “There’s this difficulty to know who you can open up to and trust.”
And boys may struggle more to connect with their peers, Dr. Erickson-Schroth says. In 1990, she notes, 45 percent of young men said they reached out to friends first when they faced personal problems. As of 2021, the number had shrunk to 22 percent, according to an American Perspectives Survey.
“I think it is harder [for boys to talk about mental health] because of the role that society has said they must play, and what they must look like, and how they must feel,” Dr. Raglin Bignall says. “Sometimes there’s this idea that you may be weak if you are different than this stereotype or this pressure that is on you to be.”
Unfortunately, the things teen boys might do to address their loneliness can backfire. As they get to high school, Dr. Kwiatkowski explains, intense peer pressure causes them to conform to the groups around them, creating inauthenticity. “One of the casualties of that is not just boys getting disconnected from themselves, but just getting disconnected from others in genuine ways,” he explains. They might feel that and be distressed by it, and even try to fix it — by trying even harder to fit in, which has the opposite effect. “They think that they’re doing everything to fight the fear of loneliness,” Dr. Kwiatkowski says. “And yet the end result is actually still feeling lonely because it’s inauthentic. It’s not who they are.”
The result? Boys are pressured to suppress their emotions and may not feel able to talk about what they’re going through, Dr. Erickson-Schroth says. In turn, that “prevents them from understanding their feelings or building coping skills,” she says. “Emotions need a place to go, and when they’re bottled up, boys can end up taking them out on themselves or others.”
“This drive to prevent the feeling of loneliness actually leads to some terrible things,” Dr. Kwiatkowski agrees. “We could also look at violence or aggression — you do things that are not aligned with your core values because you think that the cost of not aligning with this group mentality is so profound.” He points out that things like phones, video games, and even pornography can become maladaptive coping mechanisms for intense loneliness. “There’s a search and a longing for connection,” he explains.
As a parent, of course, you want nothing more than to help your teen through their loneliness and mental health struggles. But when you’re met by a terse “I’m fine, Mom,” you’re left wondering how exactly to support a teen boy who isn’t meeting you halfway. Ideally, Dr. Raglin Bignall says, the process of creating an open, honest relationship can start even before there’s a specific problem to talk about.
Laying the foundation: “We should be getting into a practice of just talking about everything, in the sense of regular conversations, so this one conversation doesn’t seem so out of the blue,” Dr. Raglin Bignall explains. “They’re used to you checking in and asking for details and being curious.” That way, if your teen is going through a tough time, they already know the door is open. This can start early on, adds Dr. Erickson-Schroth. “Parents can set the tone from an early age by encouraging conversations about emotions, helping children to learn to identify their feelings and talk about them. Caregivers can be open with kids that adults have difficult times too, and discuss what they do to cope when they’re struggling.”
Start with an observation: Instead of jumping in with a direct question (“Have you been feeling lonely?”), which could be unsettling, start with a more neutral observation. Point out that you’ve noticed a shift in your teen’s mood or behavior and are wondering if they’d like to talk about it. Dr. Raglin Bignall suggests saying something like: “Hey, you’ve been in your room a lot lately and that’s not like you. How are you doing?” It’s a way to show you care and are paying attention, minus the judgment.
Dr. Kwiatkowski recommends mentioning your teen’s friends as an in-road. If you’re worried about your teen’s online activity, for example, try something like, “Hey, what do your friends think about Andrew Tate? I keep on hearing about him.” It’s a softer way to get into the conversation, rather than “interrogating them personally.”
Responding to “I’m fine”: Even if your teen brushes you off, you can still show that you’re there for them. “It’s good to say something like, ‘We know that there are going to be times when we have hard things come up or challenges, and as a family, I think we should talk about what we think is best to cope with those things,’” Dr. Raglin Bignall says. You can share your own coping strategies or ask your teen what they would do to manage hypothetical struggles. “‘If it were to come up, as your parents, we want to know how to support you,’” Dr. Raglin Bignall suggests saying. “Having those kinds of hypothetical conversations can let them know you’re open.”
Be prepared to hear something serious: Sometimes your teen might say something you don’t expect in these conversations. You must be ready to handle that, Dr. Raglin Bignall says. “If they say, ‘I am really sad, and I am really stressed,’ and you say, ‘What do you have to be stressed about? I give you everything you need,’ then [your teen] might not tell you again that they feel stressed,” she explains. “If you tell your parent you’re having really negative thoughts, or are not sure you want to be here anymore, and your parent gets mad or tells you it’s not really happening or responds in a big way… [your teen] has learned that they can’t share that with you.”
React calmly: The way you react to your teen’s struggles is so important, Dr. Raglin Bignall emphasizes. “The first thing [many kids] tell me is, ‘I don’t want to want to stress my parent out,’” she says. It’s an especially big concern for teen boys who are told that men should be the strong, emotionless rock for their family, Dr. Kwiatkowski says — not the one who needs taking care of. “It’s such a valuable tool as adults to be able to not turn our children’s distress into our own distress in a way that takes away from supporting them, and becomes almost more of them supporting us.”
If your teen starts opening up, respond with curiosity and compassion, staying calm and talking about what they need from you. “Keep an open mind,” Dr. Erickson-Schroth adds. “They might be having a hard time, but not with what you thought they were.” Research from JED shows that “teens prefer when adults listen to their concerns without judgment,” she adds.
Encourage them to do things they love: If you’re concerned about your teen feeling lonely or isolated, don’t push them into activities or social situations — no matter how sure you are that they’d love them. That route can backfire, Dr. Raglin Bignall says, and leave them even less excited to connect.
Instead, try a “happiness builder” exercise to remind your teen of the things they naturally find joy in. Ask them what they used to like to do and write down a list with them, even if it’s just activities they’re “willing to try for a second,” or “wouldn’t hate to do,” Dr. Raglin Bignall says. “The goal is that we don’t want them isolating.”
Help them connect with their identity: It’s important for teens to spend time with people who share core parts of their identity. “If you see your kids struggling, you might want to do some homework to help them connect with like-minded people,” Dr. Raglin Bignall recommends. Clubs, sports, or even singular events like concerts, hobby classes, or conventions are all great places to start.
Model how to find friends and social connections: If your teen is struggling to make friends, Dr. Raglin Bignall also suggests modeling it for them, which could be “as simple as including them in your friendship,” she says, including talking to your own friends in front of them and explaining how you connected. “Have conversations with them about things that they might find challenging and role play it, talk through it with them, especially if they’re anxious about it or haven’t done it a while,” she says.
All teens — all humans — can and do struggle with loneliness; it’s part of the human experience, Dr. Erickson-Schroth says. For teen boys who also deal with a lack of social connection and a stigma around asking for help or sharing their emotions, the struggle might be more intense, but support and open communication can go a long way in helping. And, as experts point out, there are some bright spots.
“There is so much more awareness about mental health and emotional well-being,” Dr. Kwiatkowski says. “Even if these teenage boys don’t know how to get there… there’s more just awareness that, ‘this is something that I need to think about and focus on.’”
And — although you might not guess it, if your teen shies away from opening up — many teen boys are eager to talk about their mental health and emotions, Dr. Kwiatkowski adds. “I don’t want to say it’s easy to get boys to open up, but it does actually feel that way in my experience. If they feel like they can share without judgment, then I’ve found that they are so willing. They’re wanting to be more emotionally healthy and engaged.”
As parents, creating a safe space where your teens can be authentically themselves can help them get there.
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This article was originally published on sheknows.com.
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