I lay on my left side, trying to remain calm after learning that I had developed early onset preeclampsia. Thirty-three weeks earlier, I had taken the plunge and embarked on my journey to becoming a single mother by choice (SMBC). After carefully reviewing the donor profiles on California Cryobank’s website, I finally found the sperm donor equivalent to “Mr. Right.” His unique attributes included a passion for music, a deep interest in social justice issues, and a strong connection to his mother’s Vietnamese heritage.
One successful intrauterine insemination (IUI) later, I scrolled through my Facebook feed and stumbled upon a post in a group dedicated to California Cryobank’s clients. The headline caught my attention: “Check here for those that have used your donor.” Intrigued, I typed my donor’s identification number into the search bar and waited eagerly.
To my astonishment, I discovered that the little boy I was carrying as an SMBC had more family members than many “traditional” families. The post revealed that my son shared a donor with at least five “diblings” (the term for donor sibling).
Thirty-six weeks after my preeclampsia diagnosis, thanks to a rockstar OB-GYN who was able to keep me safely pregnant, successfully beating the odds, my son made his entrance into the world. A week after one dibling in Pennsylvania, two weeks after a dibling in Michigan, and exactly six months to the day after a dibling in Australia, Michael Casey Ramos was born in May 2022. We were now part of a growing global collective.
The powerful bond that connects my son to his donor siblings, however, is more profound than I could have anticipated. The network of family members that resulted from our decision to use donor sperm extends beyond the now 12 (and still counting) diblings. Those of us who have chosen the SMBC route to parenthood may not have a “significant other”, but we do have our own version of a family. And a rather large one at that!
We created a private Facebook group where we share photos, milestones and videos of the diblings singing “Happy Birthday” to one another. Those of us who live close by arrange get-togethers where we marvel at how intuitively connected our children seem to feel toward one another, often offering spontaneous hugs and one cheeky smile they all seem to have inherited.
In a world that often values traditional family structures, my son’s story serves as a reminder that family comes in all shapes and sizes.
Through our shared donor, my son is blessed with a diverse support system that extends beyond the immediate boundaries of his birth family.
It is heartwarming to witness the joy and connection that these children experience as they grow up together, knowing that they are part of a larger family structure created through an act of love (and a little bit of science).
And while I worried early on about how to talk to my son about donor conception, his older half-sister provided the answer I’d been looking for. The first time they met, she looked at me and said, “I have a mom and a donor just like Michael.” Instead of Mom and Dad, I have decided to use the terms “Mom” and “Donor”.
As I watch my now 18-month-old, Michael, giggle with his half-sister as they pretend the restaurant menus are newspapers, or run around the playground with his half-brother during a trip from our home in NYC to Pennsylvania, I can’t help but feel a profound sense of gratitude, admiration and love.
The journey of becoming a single mother by choice may not have been easy, but it has been filled with beautiful moments like these, where love is multiplied and bonds are forged beyond the limitations of blood. My son has found a family with his diblings, and, in a way, I have also formed a family-of-sorts with their mamas, too.