I’d Give Anything To Watch My Own TV Shows

I’m no stranger to sacrifice. Since becoming a mom, I’ve kissed goodbye to big things like time, sleep, my pre-baby body, and money, as well as smaller things like a bowl of cereal when there’s only a little bit of milk left in the fridge. It can be frustrating and even exhausting to feel like I’m constantly getting the crumbs, but most of the time it’s worth it.

However, one thing in particular is wearing on me lately: freedom to watch my TV shows on an actual damn TV.

I’d give just about anything for the opportunity to grab a blanket, sit on my couch, and turn on something I want to watch without the input or annoyance of a family member. I don’t want to hear anybody’s opinions. Or have to worry if Tell Me Lies is appropriate for kids (because it definitely isn’t).

We have four TVs in my house, and we’re a four-person family. So, in theory, the simple solution would be for me to sneak off and watch my preferred not-for-kids’-eyes programming while my kids unwind with their own shows. But, nope, that never happens.

Usually, if my kids are watching TV it’s because I need to keep them occupied while I do something — finish up work, do the dishes, etc. If I’m not busy doing something else, my daughters will insist on me being in the room with them while they watch their show. I’m not sure what purpose my presence serves when they’re just sitting there paying attention to Gabby’s Dollhouse, but if I try to sneak away, all hell breaks loose. And honestly, I’m usually too exhausted to fight it.

Assuming my app of choice isn’t at screen capacity (looking at you, Netflix), I will occasionally pop in my earbuds and pull up a show on my phone to enjoy. After all, there’s no reason I can’t unwind at that moment, too, right? Except it’s really freaking annoying to have to watch TV on my phone. I’m 38-years-old, my eyes aren’t what they used to be!

If you’re wondering why I don’t just wait until my kids are in bed to watch TV, I hear you. Usually, if I’m watching TV at night, it’s with my husband. We have a handful of shows we watch together that I genuinely enjoy. But just like I won’t be watching Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power with him, he has no interest in Nobody Wants This or the latest season of Outer Banks with me. So, in order to watch a show I want, I have to sacrifice time with him. I’m not saying it never happens, but it’s not something I do on a regular basis.

I’m well aware that this is such a silly complaint. Why would I want to waste what little energy I have on this? I technically still get to watch my shows, it just happens to be on a screen the size of my hand. It could be worse.

This is all true, but TV is an escape for me and one of the few things that actually helps me turn my brain off. And I just miss my shows. The ones where I can really escape and leave with a tingly happy feeling after. And it annoys me to miss out!

Before kids, I’d wake up on Saturday mornings and pull up an episode of something to watch for 30 to 60 minutes before even getting out of bed. I didn’t scroll my phone, I just laid there slowly waking up. It was so blissful.

Now, my kids come running into my room at 6:45, climb into my bed, and ask me to turn on a show for them. After becoming a mother, I never expected to be able to hold on to the little leisurely Saturday mornings I had before having kids, but I also didn’t anticipate my adorable little thieves taking over my ritual as their own. Watching them live out my dream every weekend never gets any easier.

I know that it won’t be long before my kids enter the stage where they rarely want to be around me. I’ll have the opportunity to watch all of the shows I want, and I will find myself missing the stage I’m currently in. I get it, and I try to remind myself of this when I’m straining my eyes to watch the screen on my phone. Even still, I have to admit that I’m looking forward to it, just a little bit.

Ashley Ziegler is a freelance writer living outside Raleigh, NC, with her two young daughters and husband. She’s written across a range of topics throughout her career but especially loves covering all things pregnancy, parenting, lifestyle, advocacy, and maternal health.

This article was originally published on scarymommy.com.