I Have A Work Husband. Should My Real Husband Be Nervous?

Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Yes, that’s Mother Who Likes to F*ck.), a monthly anonymous advice column from Scary Mommy. Here we’ll dissect all your burning questions about motherhood, sex, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the help of our columnist, Penelope, a writer and mental health practitioner in training. She’ll dish out her most sound advice for parents on the delicate dance of raising kids without sacrificing other important relationships. Email her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.

Dear MWLF,

Since I had kids, early fall has been my favorite time of year. The kids are back in school, but not yet worn out by it. The holidays still feel like a thing to look forward to and not yet a marathon to survive. And work, which is always uneven and chaotic throughout the summer with everyone on vacation, finally seems to click into high gear. I love my time at home with my husband and kids, and I also love my time away from them at work, where I get to have an identity all my own. Normally, I feel like the two parts of my identity compliment each other well. But about a month ago, my department brought on a new creative director with whom I’d be working closely. After only a couple weeks of working with him closely, I’m pretty sure we’re in love. Nothing physical has happened between us, but the electricity between us is undeniable. Suddenly work has become like play and home has become like work. I can hardly wait to get up in the morning and get into the office. I feel sad and let down when the clock strikes five. Everything had seemed great in my marriage before he showed up, now I’m wondering if my husband and I should go to counseling.

When I told a friend, however, she suggested I might be overreacting. According to her, office crushes and common and unavoidable, and can actually bring a little vitality back into a marriage as long as they don’t cross the line. I’d like to believe her, but still worry that the intensity suggests a problem with my marriage. Am I over my head, or overreacting?

Dear Over Your Head,

I can understand why you’d be worried. There’s a common misperception in our culture that a wandering eye, or even a wandering imagination, is a sign of some inherent weakness in a marriage. Happily married people, the thinking goes in monogamous circles, don’t just develop feelings for someone new out of the blue, and if they do, they have no difficulty squelching them before they can cause much trouble.

If only this were the case. Part of the allure of the workplace romance or emotional affair — and I think you allude to this in your letter — has more to do more with one’s own identity and relationship to self as does to your feelings about your partner. I suspect this is what you’re getting at when you talk about how you’ve always valued your work life, and the way it allows you to be a different person than the person you are at home with your partner and your family.

In this way, emotional affairs as well as the consummated kind, are often as much about one’s relationship to self as it is about the relationship to the new person. This office-husband of yours has allowed you to access some part of yourself that has to go back in the cupboard when you get home from work and hang up your keys. The question, then, is what to do with this new part now that you’ve found it? Is there a way to integrate it into your life as a wife and mother? If not, what’s preventing that? Also, is there enough room in your marriage to make space for a deep and meaningful friendship without threatening the bedrock of trust between you and your husband.

Sometimes this can be accomplished by setting and discussing boundaries. For example, “I’ll discuss work and TV and gossip and current events with my friend/co-worker, but I’m not going to complain about my marriage.” Or, “I’ll enjoy long lunches with him, but I’m not going to meet him for drinks when my husband’s out of town.” Boundaries can feel confining in the heat of a new connection, but in reality, they often end up being the thing that preserves a relationship and prevents it from burning itself out and doing a whole lot of collateral damage in the process.

The key, of course, as with everyone, is communication. Is this relationship with your co-worker something you can talk to your husband about? Sometimes bringing something slightly forbidden out of the shadows and into a conversation is enough to take the edge off the allure. If, on the other hand, temptation, jealousy, and intimacy, aren’t topics you feel comfortable exploring with your partner, then the office romance may in fact be a warning sign that there’s work to be done there. Whatever the case, try to keep in mind that finding yourself drawn to, or even enamored with someone new, doesn’t make you a bad wife. It makes you human. The most enduring partnerships are the ones that allow both partners to experience the full range of their feelings (even erotic ones), without becoming so beholden to them.