Grandparents: Grandchildren Are Not A Do-Over

It can be amazing to have a Grandma, Grampy, MeeMaw, or Papa around to spoil your kids rotten and give them all the love in the world. But the grandparent-grandchild dynamic can leave parents feeling stuck in the middle if they were not afforded the same unconditional love by their parents, and still struggle to maintain a positive relationship with them today.

Whitney Goodman, licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Calling Home podcast, shared a video to Instagram Reels and made one thing clear: “Grandchildren are not a do-over for parents of adult children.”

“I see so much focus in my comment section about, like, ‘We want to see our grandchildren, they’re withholding our grandchildren, our grandchildren are suffering,’ and very little commentary on how you need to repair with the adult child and the parent of these grandchildren,” Goodman said.

Grandparents aren’t owed a relationship with their grandchild, she explained.

“If you cannot maintain a good, healthy, solid relationship with the parent of that child, it’s very unlikely that they’re going to let you have access to that child,” she said.

“It’s also extremely painful for adult children to watch their parents put in all of this time and effort into these little humans that they birthed and they brought into this world, but not to put in any time or attention or care into understanding their own child and the parent of that child to have a good relationship with them,” Goodman continued.

So what steps should grandparents take to earn a place in their grandkids’ lives?

“The number one thing you should be focusing on is how to have a good relationship with your adult child and their partner,” she said.

Did you hear that, in-laws? And their partner.

Despite past comments from grumpy grandparents fueling Goodman’s video, her comments section this time around was mostly parents who shared in her frustrations.

“I also really love the possessive quality, which to me rings like control, of MY grandchild. How about it is MY child?” one user commented. “Somehow they like to throw the ownership of MY grandchild as if we are still merely an extension of themselves and not taking any accountability.”

“Once again, the estranged parent (now grandparent) is only saying, ‘What about me? Me me me!’ They will literally never get it,” another shared.

Setting boundaries with grandparents can be emotionally draining, but you know what’s best for your kids, and for yourself. If a grandparent isn’t willing to make the changes you need to see to be around their grandkids, that’s on them.