Gender equity at home is still out of reach, our survey shows

Unless you’re very good at delegating, you likely know the drill—if it’s not you folding that third basket of laundry or calling the pediatrician to finally schedule your toddler’s well-check, it just won’t get done, no matter how many tasks you’re already juggling. 

In Motherly’s 2023 State of Motherhood survey, the majority of mothers share that they have become resigned to this same position: feeling like they have to ‘do it all’. Moms report taking on the brunt of physical household chores, like laundry, as well as more invisible labor, like scheduling, instead of their partners, which means that true gender equity at home is still out of reach.

Of the nearly 10,000 mothers surveyed, 58% report they are primarily responsible for the duties of running a household and family management—a number that’s up 2% from 2022. Being employed doesn’t mean moms take on less at home: 51% of those who say they manage most of the household chores are also working full-time, and as we reported last year, even when women are the breadwinners, earning more than their husbands, they still do more chores. 

The fact that 32% of mothers say they share household duties equally with their partners is certainly promising—but our 2023 survey report shows that number is down two points from 34% in 2022. The onus of home responsibilities and management still—still!—falls mainly to mothers, at the expense of their own mental health. That mental load is bringing women down.

“I absolutely feel that I have to take responsibility for the chores and other household duties, otherwise they won’t get done,” says mom Sarah B. “A lot of the work goes unnoticed and that can be pretty detrimental to my mental health, especially when I feel like my partner isn’t shouldering any of the mental load at all.”

As a result, 62% of mothers report getting less than one hour to themselves each day. And it’s clear that the increased mental load of motherhood simply isn’t sustainable, as this year, 49% of moms report “always” or “frequently” feeling burned out. When asked what might lessen their burnout, 50% of survey respondents posit that the key is more equitable sharing of duties with their partner. We checked in with experts to help moms feel like they can let go a little—without dropping things in the process. 

Related: Moms aren’t ‘better’ at parenthood—we just know no one else will do what we do

The unseen labor of motherhood

For decades, household management was quantified in sociological research as physical chores—the labor we can see. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands, picking up kids from school. But there was no agreed-upon way to quantify all the labor that parents (most often the female partner) are doing behind the scenes—and often inside their own minds. 

“I worry about making sure everyone has food ready to eat, making sure we have diapers, the correct size clothes, grocery shopping, playdates, laundry getting washed, child care. I plan and execute all the birthdays and holidays. The ‘magic’ happens because I do a lot of work,” mom Laura V. tells Motherly. 

It’s this invisible work that led researcher and assistant professor of sociology at UW-Madison, Allison Daminger, PhD, to study what she terms “the cognitive dimension of household labor.” Cognitive labor is something many moms are deeply familiar with, our survey suggests: The worry, the planning, the constant mental checklists of all that goes into running a household and taking care of children. 

According to Dr. Daminger, cognitive labor can be broken down into four components: 

1. Anticipating needs
2. Identifying options for meeting those needs
3. Deciding among the options
4. Monitoring the results

For example, let’s say you need to hire a new nanny for the summer months. Just the fact that you’re already thinking about fulfilling this need now is part of anticipating. Then, you’ll need to identify options on where you’ll look for that nanny—a recommendation from a friend, working with a nanny service, or using an online platform. Next, you’ll want to start scheduling interviews and meet-and-greets with your kids, and then ultimately deciding on who you’ll hire. Finally, it’s getting contracts and tax paperwork and payment schedules in order and checking in both with your kids and the new nanny to see how things are going. It’s a lot—and that’s just one item on the miles-long to-do list. 

And even if you can outsource some of this work, it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to stop thinking about it. Dr. Daminger finds that many couples share the “identifying” and “deciding” steps equally, but women take on the vast majority of the “anticipating” and “monitoring” steps.

“In many households, the buck stops with mom: Even if she is not the one to actually physically cook the meal or change the diaper, she’s still the one to make sure that it’s being taken care of.”

Allison Daminger, PhD

“Even in couples with a pretty egalitarian division of labor otherwise, women tend to be the ones to oversee children’s extracurriculars, act as the liaison with their school, etc,” Dr. Daminger continues.

We see the proof: Among mothers who report an equal sharing of household responsibilities with their partners, in 80% of cases, the mother is still taking on the family scheduling and scheduling all of the medical appointments. Partners are more likely to take care of pets or help kids with homework—more openly visible tasks. 

Why women take on more cognitive labor

As for why these types of mental gymnastics tend to fall to female partners in heterosexual relationships? There’s not one simple reason—but a whole slew of factors, suggests Megan McGowan, founder of Lilvil, a platform that helps parents outsource some of this mental load by paying experts to do the research and legwork for them. 

“So much of it has to do with gender norms and this outdated idea that a woman’s place was in the home and that the male partner was the breadwinner,” McGowan notes.

“Though society has evolved, policies to support moms have not kept up—there’s still no federal paid leave or childcare assistance and women (particularly moms) face gender pay gaps.”

Megan McGowan

Because of those outdated notions, mothers are still held to different standards and expectations than fathers. When you’re automatically assumed to be the default parent, it’s hard to break out of that role. McGowan says she’s heard countless stories of women who say that their kids’ schools repeatedly email them and not their male partners. 

“Often, tasks fall more on the mom because we’re the ones who’ve always done them and therefore we know how to do them,” McGowan states. “This often starts shortly after a child is born—typically, women take longer parental leaves than their partners, which sets them up for spending more time with their babies and therefore knowing how to do things.”

Related: How to reduce your mental load as the default parent

Because the cultural expectations about what it means to be a “good” father and a “good” mother are still ingrained in most people’s minds, that means mothers are usually seen as the ones ultimately responsible for their kids’ and family’s well-being, adds Dr. Daminger. “This also means that they are more likely to be blamed—and to have to deal with the consequences—when things go wrong.” Cue the anxiety.

The mental load takes a toll

Frankly speaking, the burden of being held to such a high standard all the time can be exhausting. It’s the constant thinking and juggling so many tasks at once—and the fear of being judged for them if you fail—that can take a toll. And it’s a direct path to burnout.  

Related: Are you a burned out mom? Here’s how to tell

“As a woman, and a mother, you are essentially one person, who can only be 100% in one area at a time,” mom Sarah K. shares. “Shamefully, women are brought up in society with the notion that they must ‘do it all,’ and that alone brings weight and guilt that can be crippling at times.”

It’s also true that you might not even recognize the things you’re doing as invisible labor. Keeping a mental tab on how much milk is in your fridge or remembering whether your kids have shorts and sandals in their correct sizes for summer definitely count, but might not be apparent—even to ourselves. 

When most of the work you’re doing is invisible, it’s even harder to give yourself “credit” for all you’re doing, says Dr. Daminger. “While no single task may be that onerous, the cumulative weight of myriad seemingly small concerns can add up to a feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm.”

Related: When women do more unpaid labor, their mental health suffers. The same isn’t true for men, study suggests

How to stop ‘doing it all’

It’s no secret that the cultural expectations and sociological factors associated with mothers “doing it all” are bigger than any one household—and likely won’t shift overnight. But here are a few suggestions on how to take a step back from cognitive labor (without adding more in the process!). 

1. Name the work

Name for yourself all the various work you’re doing—the visible and invisible. But rather than presenting a written list to your partner, Dr. Daminger recommends having a collaborative conversation. Ask: “What’s the work we need to do to keep our household running?”, and work on that list together. Then, aim to make deliberate decisions (again, collaboratively, says Dr. Daminger) about whether the current allocation of that work aligns with your values as a couple and, if not, figuring out ways to make some changes. 

2. View your time as valuable

Taking your child to the dentist and helping them stay calm through the cleaning should be seen as just as important work as when your partner takes a business call. To shift toward parity in your household, both partners need to view the other’s time as valuable—and it’s important to shift who is the default parent for specific tasks (like attending wellness appointments) so that they don’t automatically fall along traditional gender roles. 

3. Offload the worry

Anytime you’ve shifted responsibility for a certain task to your partner, make sure you’re also shifting responsibility for the planning/managing of that task, Dr. Daminger reminds. “It might be helpful for a partner to start cooking dinner once a week, but it’s much better if they also start planning that meal ahead of time and making sure the ingredients are on hand when they’re needed.”

4. Recognize you have the right to outsource—or say no outright

While you can’t often shirk responsibilities as a parent, you can start to say no to more things outside your orbit, like attending that classmate’s birthday party this month. You can also opt to outsource tasks, like using a grocery delivery service, a travel planner or Lilvil for summer camp research, McGowan suggests—but that doesn’t have to be another thing you manage: “Dads can be in charge of outsourcing too.” A huge percentage of moms in our survey shared that they rarely get more than 1 hour to themselves each day. Which means it’s time to reclaim some time for yourself—and refocus on things that bring *you* joy or calm or meaning.  

5. Accept imperfect help

When you give your son a bath, he never cries about shampoo getting in his eyes, but it’s a common refrain when your partner is the bath-giver. Or you never forget that your daughter hates peas with a passion, but the pasta your partner prepared is lousy with them. Those wails may echo around you, but before you swoop in, recognize that the hair is washed, the dinner is cooked, the job is done—and you didn’t have to be the one to do it. Accepting help—no matter how imperfect—can ultimately be a big step in lessening your mental load.

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