Can A Relationship With Political Differences Really Work? Experts Offer Advice

With the recent U.S. election still fresh in our minds, feelings are definitely raw right now. While many of us can lean on our partners for support, what happens when your significant other holds opposing political beliefs? Relationships often face challenges, but few test the core of our values quite like political differences.

“Politics offer a sense of belonging, community, and acceptance that affirms an important part of what it means to engage meaningfully in the world,” Dr. Daniel Boscaljon, a relationship expert, certified mediator, and co-founder of Alchemy of Love, tells Scary Mommy. “It also provides a sense of passion for the greater good. Political ideas have become an increasingly central part of personal identity. When your sense of self and belonging is largely intertwined with a political party or platform, it can become more important to a sense of self than a personal relationship.”

In these situations, says Boscaljon, politics can help make relationships premised on a shared ideology… or break those where differences disrupt a basic, functional sense of self.

Navigating political differences within a relationship can be tough, but it’s not impossible. Below, experts outline how to defuse arguments, remain curious, and stay connected to your partner — as well as when to break up if necessary.

Is it ever a good idea to avoid political discussions altogether with your partner?

While you might think avoiding certain infused topics, like politics, would be your best bet, Boscaljon disagrees. “It isn’t a great idea to have forbidden topics within a healthy relationship. Such dead zones tend to expand and spread to include more about each person’s inner world,” he says. “This leads to emotional disengagement rather than intimacy and leads people to superficial, unfulfilling relationships. Learning how to negotiate differences and allowing space for conflict is a vital skill in developing relationships beyond the honeymoon stage.”

Allison Raskin, relationship expert and NYT best-selling author, agrees that having to avoid talking about politics with either your current date or prospective date is a red flag. “I don’t think it is a sign of a mutually respectful and safe partnership if two people have such vastly different takes on the world that they can’t even discuss it. Some people value politics less than others and would prefer to avoid the conversation, so having a better understanding of what they believe and why they believe it can help safeguard you and make sure you are on enough of the same page.” That way, you are both able to maintain and sustain a healthy discussion.

How do you have a healthy discussion about politics?

So, how do you have a healthy discussion about politics if your beliefs don’t align? Raskin believes that curiosity is a good place to start. “Try to uncover and understand the context that led them to form these beliefs from their news intake to their social circle to their personal history and how they were raised,” she recommends. “It can also be helpful to ask, ‘Have you ever changed your mind about a political issue? What was it, and why did that change happen? This can reveal a lot about a person’s willingness to grow and how growth works for them.”

Engaged listening that asks questions about the other person — rather than their position — is another crucial part of it, according to Boscaljon, because it provides a deeper sense of connection. And this deeper connection is actually “the key to a level of intimacy that’s able to continue forward with a recognition of and respect for differences.”

How can you defuse political arguments with your partner?

Let’s be real. Arguments are bound to happen in relationships, period, and will almost definitely take place if your politics don’t line up with your partner’s. If this sounds familiar, Boscaljon recommends trying to work with your partner so that you both understand where the other is coming from.

“Feeling misunderstood makes it likely that sharing differences will be perceived as an attack — either trying to argue someone into changing by convincing them that they’re wrong, or by attacking their character or intelligence,” he explains. “Until someone feels understood, they’re likely unable to appreciate anything except for genuine, caring curiosity as a safe point of connection.”

You can do this by practicing engaged listening and reflective statements. “Mirroring back what you understand, and asking if you’ve understood it correctly — and then asking if there’s more to know — often neutralizes differences,” Boscaljon says. “Once someone feels understood on their grounds, they’re often more receptive to hearing different opinions or beliefs without feeling attacked or threatened by them.”

Of course, it’s also possible that there is no way to defuse political arguments with your partner because your beliefs are just too diametrically opposed. If you’ve tried to actively and empathetically engage your partner and make them feel understood but still feel like you’re not on the same page (or even in the same book), it might be time to consider professional counseling. And while counseling could just be a precursor to calling it quits, a therapist or counselor can help you navigate whatever the next step in your relationship looks like.

If your partner’s political beliefs are different from yours in a way that makes you feel unsafe, know this: It’s OK to leave. Your well-being, your mental health, your core values — these things matter. And while you might be able to overcome disagreements about liking or disliking a particular candidate, conflicting beliefs over fundamental human rights are usually insurmountable.

When should you bring up the topic of politics when first dating someone?

If you’re still on the dating scene, Raskin says she’s a big proponent of talking about all the big stuff (politics, religion, future goals) as soon as possible with your new match, especially if you are looking for a life partner.

“Obviously casual dating is different, but if your intention is to find someone you want to have a serious relationship with, there is no point in waiting to find out what they want for their life and how they view the world at large,” she says. “Plus, talking about the important stuff early will set you up for better communication down the road. It also prevents us from wasting time and energy on people we are fundamentally incompatible with. You don’t want to spend three months of your life with someone only to find out you have completely different values. Being more productive when you date will also help you avoid burning out.”

If politics is a major part of your life — whether through campaigning or lobbying, listening to podcasts, or having the news on in the background— Boscaljon says it should probably be brought up on a first or second date.

How can you support your partner in this political climate?

If you feel as though your political differences with your partner are superficial enough that you can sustain the relationship, you’re likely wondering where to go from here. Both Boscaljon and Raskin believe right now is the time to connect with your partner through love and empathy.

Says Raskin, “This is a time to show your love, support, and respect for your partner along with how you plan to take care of each other if some of their fears do become true. None of us know what will happen in the next four years, so to say with certainty that everything will be better or everything will be fine is something no one can promise. Make it clear that while you might disagree about what is the best route for the country, you do value their safety and security.”

This article was originally published on scarymommy.com.