AITA For Thinking Grandparents Should Help When They’re Around?

OK, internet — time for you to do your favorite thing and pass judgment. Am I the asshole for thinking grandparents should help out when they’re around, or is that not a fair expectation?

Let me paint a picture for you: One frazzled mom (hi, it’s me), after a long and stressful work week, packs up two small children and crams them, against their will, into their car seats. For the two hours it takes to get to their grandparents’ house, she’s regaled with question after question (after question), demands for snacks that require a contortionist’s skills to pass out, and the shrill of endless Peppa Pig stories.

But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, or so I think, as I grip the steering wheel. If we can just make it to my in-laws’ house, the burden of parenting can be shared. Maybe I won’t have to get up at 5:30 a.m. with my 2-year-old like she’s been doing, or wrestle with every single diaper change, or fight the nightly bedtime battle.

You can probably see where this is going, but if not, I’ll spell it out. There was no offer to help with nap time or entertain the girls for a few hours so that I could catch a break. I wiped every butt and got up at the crack of dawn every day. There was an attempt to help make meals for my girls — but with ingredients I repeatedly said they wouldn’t eat (and surprise! I was right), so I ended up scrounging around in the kitchen while the rest of the family ate to find something they’d accept.

I’m not suggesting they take over completely, but is it wrong for me to think they should throw me a bone when they’re around? Or AITA here?

This is not to say that my in-laws don’t love my girls. They wholeheartedly do, and are eager to be involved grandparents. They’re extremely generous with gifts for the girls and often offer to watch them for a weekend (where, presumably, they do all of the aforementioned tasks, so I know they can do them), which I realize is a privilege a lot of parents don’t have.

Given that last piece of information, I understand why you might be rolling your eyes. Still, I find this aspect of our relationship frustrating. When we’re together, whether I’m at their house or they’re at ours, there is no escaping any morsel of parenting. It really busts my chops that they get to stand by and watch my husband and me do all the hard parenting tasks while they get to relish the fun part: just being with their grandkids.

Sigh. I guess I should pause my rant to admit that I might actually be a wee bit to blame here. The first time my in-laws watched my oldest, I didn’t *not* act like Instagrammer Taylor Wolfe when she details all of the super specific instructions for how to take care of her girls. Four pages? Six pages? I can’t quite remember how long my first set of instructions was, but it was longer than a short story, shorter than a novel. Maybe a bit much?

So yeah, perhaps my overzealous attempt at control backfired, and they’re scared to help out when I’m around for fear of some sort of Gordon Ramsay-esque critique. It’s very possible that this is my own doing and that everyone should learn from my mistake. Just write down how much to feed your baby and any known things that will kill them. They’ll be fine.

Maybe I’m the asshole for letting this simmer since it’s an ongoing thing instead of asking for help. It’s a novel idea, I know, but I’m afraid of rocking the boat.

Back to the original question, though: If a capable adult is around, should they offer to help with the more mundane parenting tasks while they’re around? My friends do when we’re together, and I would think they were being rude if they didn’t at least offer to help out. But should this type of logic apply to grandparents who have already served their parenting time?

I say yes. It would go a long way to get one night off from the bedtime routine or, even better, the morning wake-up call. Being with grandparents should mean sharing the load, even just a little bit, so the parents get a slight break, too. And I know I’m not ~totally~ the asshole for thinking this because my parents proactively help when we’re with them. It’s hard not to fall into the comparison trap.

That said, I know I have it good as far as grandparents go, so it’s probably in my best interest (and cortisol levels) to just modify my expectations for when we’re together and to know that they show their love in other ways. Each set of grandparents is different, and my girls are lucky to have two sets of grandparents who want to spend time with them (I know, insert eye roll again).

So, AITA for not asking for help and thinking they should offer to assist? Fine. I most likely am. But for now, the next time we’re heading over the river and through the woods, I’ll pack a cooler of food my girls will eat and a better understanding of our roles while we’re together.

Elliott Harrell is a Raleigh, NC-based freelance writer with two little girls who runs a sales team by day and writes about things she’s passionate about, like women’s health, parenting, and food, at night. In addition to Scary Mommy, her work can be found in PS, The Everymom, Motherly, Business Insider, Eater, and more. When she’s not doing laundry, she can be found making a mess in her kitchen with a new recipe or working on her latest needlepoint project.