Well, here we are again.
Anyone who lived through the 2016 election knows this feeling. It’s alllll too familiar. If you’re like me, you hoped (and on your most optimistic days, maybe dared to believe) you wouldn’t feel it again. Instead, like a recurring nightmare, it’s back and worse than you remember. All of it: Trump; the terror of what the next four years might bring; the crushing grief as we mourn a future and a president we’ll never know.
Election grief, I’m here to tell you, is very much a thing. And look, maybe it’s just the recency bias, but I’m almost positive it didn’t used to be this bad. Maybe that’s just what happens when every presidential election is framed as a referendum on human rights and democracy itself: when your side loses, it’s soul-crushing. It feels like suffering a death very close to you, and a devastating breakup, and a terminal illness diagnosis, all in one. It feels like the world is ending, right now.
It might sound hyperbolic, but that’s election grief — and there’s a reason you’re feeling it in this moment. “Elections can stir up intense emotions because they touch on our core values, beliefs, and hopes for the future,” says Zuania Capó, LMHC, a mental health professional and contributor to SheKnows. “When the results don’t align with what we deeply believe in or hope for, it can feel like a personal loss, which we call ‘election grief.’”
You might feel like you’re mourning something: that combination of sadness, disappointment, and helplessness, Capó adds. “It’s also common to experience fear, anger, or anxiety as we think about the impact on our communities, our families, and the issues we hold close to our hearts.”
And, like the grief we feel after the sudden loss of a loved one, you have to grapple with “the loss of anticipated change or continuity,” says psychologist Dr. Michele Nealon, president of The Chicago School. Things are going to be different, and you don’t exactly know how yet, but you know the future you hoped for (maybe even expected) will not be coming to pass. At the same time, you have to deal with any personal implications of the results, Dr. Nealon adds, “particularly if one’s identity or values feel threatened,” as so many of ours now do.
Why is election grief getting worse?
You mean besides the whole “every election involves existential threats to democracy” part? It’s also the increasing polarization of the political parties. There’s a big difference between one candidate winning versus the other, which naturally brings up some feelings of fear and panic when the outcome you’re looking for doesn’t come to fruition. There’s also the fact that very personal issues are now political talking points, making it feel like fundamental rights (see: abortion) will be protected under one candidate and threatened by the other.
There’s a “personal significance” now, Dr. Nealon confirms, because election outcomes “reflect society’s direction and our own sense of security or inclusion. When the results don’t align with someone’s hopes, it can lead to a profound sense of loss, unease, or even fear.”
Social media and the non-stop, 24/7 news cycle make it all worse, as our news feeds “continuously expos[e] us to emotionally charged reactions, making it hard to step back and find balance,” Dr. Nealon adds. It keeps us on high alert, “amplifying stress responses that are designed to protect us in times of perceived threat,” Dr. Nealon explains, while making the election grief feel inescapable and never-ending.
Election grief won’t last forever — so let yourself feel it
In this moment, you might feel like the world is ending, and honestly, now is probably not the time to fight that feeling. Each of the experts we spoke to emphasized the importance of acknowledging whatever it is you’re feeling right now without judgment. “Suppressing emotions can lead to them building up and becoming overwhelming,” says Capó. “Give yourself permission to grieve, to be sad, or to feel unsettled.” Dr. Nealon noted that resisting those feelings might actually make you more stressed (the last thing you need right now).
Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, tells SheKnows that it’s important to specifically identify your emotions right now. “‘Name it to tame it’ means naming your emotion so you can get a bit of distance from the negative emotion,” he explains. State it out loud, or write it down: “I feel disappointed.” “I feel angry.” “I feel afraid.”
It’s OK to feel disappointed. It’s OK to feel angry. It’s OK to feel a lot of different things. Eventually, when you’re ready, you’ll be able to reframe those emotions, Dr. Cohen explains: “While I feel disappointed, no one died, and I will make the best of my life no matter what.” But it starts with acknowledging the pain of this moment.
7 ways to cope with election grief
Resist the urge to catastrophize. Jumping to the worst case scenario is a common reaction to a devastating election loss — or any kind of loss, Dr. Cohen points out. “Humans often catastrophize the meaning of the event and the outcome,” he says. “We cannot see the future but we imagine it is bleak. We will never win again.” As humans, we’re naturally “wired to have a negative default setting when bad things happen,” Dr. Cohen continues. And because the bad thing just happened, and the feelings are so present, we can only imagine a future with more bad in it.
If you catch yourself feeling this way, know that this is normal, but remind yourself that you don’t actually know the future. No one does, because we’re still in the process of creating it, which means you still have power to change it. And while it’s possible that things could turn out as badly as you fear, it’s equally possible they don’t. We just don’t know, and assuming the worst might discourage you from doing the one thing that can make a difference: taking action. Speaking of which…
Take constructive, thoughtful action. “Even if it feels like things are out of your control, there are still small ways to make a positive impact,” Capó says — and our other experts agree. The feeling of helplessness that comes with election grief can be paralyzing, so it’s important to remember that you do have power and agency. You can connect with organizations that share your values and offer a few dollars, or your time and energy. You can help other people in your life who are struggling. You can participate in community events. In nightmarish times, “taking proactive steps can foster a sense of agency and purpose,” Dr. Nealon says.
Manage your media exposure. Doom-scrolling will not change the outcome of this election. What it will do is make your election grief, anxiety, and stress feel much worse, as you feel a spike of adrenaline with each new update, post, or news article. “Consider setting boundaries on when and how you engage with election news to prevent it from overwhelming your mental space,” Dr. Nealon says. When you feel the urge to pick up your phone, ask yourself what you’re looking for. Comfort? Empathy? Hope? Then ask whether you’ll actually get that from an hour of scrolling on TikTok. Instead…
Lean on self-care. Now’s the time to “engage in ANY and EVERY healthy self care behavior you can muster,” Dr. Cohen says. Go for a walk outside, schedule your favorite workout, hang out with friends, read, cook your favorite meal, take a warm bath, or put on your favorite comfort show. You might even try accomplishing a few small, nagging tasks — it’s better than sitting on the couch and stressing. Anything that gets you moving and engaging your brain in a different way is a good idea right now, Dr. Nealon says, because “activities that bring joy, comfort, or relaxation can be powerful antidotes to stress.” (Here are a bunch of other stress-reducing ideas to try.)
Ground yourself in the present. Negative thought spirals, doom-scrolling, catastrophizing: they all take you away from the present moment and into the darkest part of your brain. Counter all that grief and anxiety by focusing on this singular moment, through mindfulness techniques and grounding exercises like breathwork, meditation, or even exercise. The idea is to “alleviate the urge to dwell on future uncertainties,” Dr. Nealon says. “Staying present with small tasks and engaging fully in immediate activities can offer mental relief.”
Reach out for support. Leaning on your support system is crucial right now, whether that includes friends, family, or mental health professionals — or all of the above. “Reach out to friends or loved ones who share your values,” Capó suggests. “Sometimes, just talking things out can bring relief and remind you that you’re not facing this alone.” As much as you need an outlet to vent right now (or a shoulder to cry on), your loved ones with similar values probably do too, and you’d be surprised how much helping each other can make you both feel a little better.
PS: venting is fine, but avoid letting the negative talk go on for too long in these conversations. “Don’t say things out loud that make you or others feel hopeless,” Dr. Cohen advises. The goal is to leave these conversations feeling better than when you started, which means talking out your feelings, doing some venting, and then doing your best to comfort each other. Move towards whatever positivity you can find together.
Remember your own strength. You have made it through difficult disappointments before, Dr. Cohen points out. It’s upsetting that you have to do it again, maybe even devastating, but you can do it. Above all, Capó adds, “remind yourself that while you may feel powerless, small acts of kindness and community-building still make a difference.”
Election grief is real. Your pain, fear, anger, sadness, anxiety: it’s all valid. It’s OK to take whatever time and space you need to process these feelings, even if it means opting out of the news cycle for a while. (It’ll all be there when you come back, trust.) By allowing yourself to accept and acknowledge your emotions, you’ll be able to process and eventually move through them. Then, and only then, can you tap into the strength and energy you’ll need for the fight that comes next.
Before you go, try our favorite mental health apps:
This article was originally published on sheknows.com.